FForF
06-30-2005, 11:13 AM
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April
Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?! " It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who
would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church
of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your
Grandma that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests?
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is: "Share the love." BEEP
Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April
Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?! " It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who
would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church
of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your
Grandma that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests?
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is: "Share the love." BEEP
Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.