Good grief, I hate when this kind of stuff happens

[Hogskin]

It’s tax time and it’s pretty miserable around here – long hours, colossal amounts of work, and some very difficult clients…. So we do what we can to make it a little more pleasant for everybody by providing some perks. We bring in lunch a couple times a week, and we have a masseuse come in 1 day a week and anybody that wants one can get a real nice back/shoulder/neck/arm massage. Anyway, today was barbecue day – this is the really good barbecue that I’m always yammering about. Man, I just love this stuff. The problem is that I’ve really tried to change my eating habits since the first of the year and have dramatically cut back on the red meat that I consume. In the past 4 months or so, I’ve maybe had red meat half a dozen times…. And it always does a number on me. So today was barbecue day and I could just hear the hot links calling to me – “Hogskin, we’ll be together at last” and all that and I just couldn’t contain myself. So I fed a couple to my tapeworm and it was good. After about two hours I started getting some major rumblings in the old crap factory. I made a deposit at the reading room and figured I was good for the rest of the day. Let it be known that my future as a clairvoyant is definitely in doubt. About two hours later my time for a massage arrived so I went on in, hopped onto the goofy massage chair, and the gal started grinding away. I was feeling pretty good when all of the sudden I think she knocked one loose. My eyes flew wide open and I just knew it was coming. I had it in a headlock for a good 60 seconds and I thought I was going to get the better of it, but it s-l-o-w-l-y crept out with a muffled “eeeeeeeeekkkk” sound. Now I could immediately tell that my shorts were dry and that there was no lump in it so the major tragedy had been averted. I hoped I could blame it on the squeak of the chair… but then it hit us both like a truck. This one even made my eyes water. I mean it was bad. She was a real trooper and tried to ignore it for a few seconds, but this was the industrial duty stuff. She started hacking and I thought she was going to earl right there on my back. She grabbed her sweater and stuck it up in her face, hoping to mask the smell, but it was no use. Suddenly her eyes grew wide and she started doing the goldfish cheeks and I could tell she was choking it back. She high-tailed it out of there and I made my way to the kitchen looking for anything that would freshen the air. As luck would have it, some carpet cleaner was powerful enough to do the trick. So as I finished up, she returned, not too much worse for the wear. I’ve never felt like such a tool in all my life, but she was a really good sport and laughed it off, said her brothers had the same effect on her as a kid. Anyway, I think my hot link days are over… and I’m not sure I’ll be having any masseuses lining up to take care of me. Man, I hate when stuff like that happens.

[Rancho Loco]

Oh man.

Scratch the hot-links off the Ham-Slam menu, for gawd's sakes!

[Marty]

:confused::rotflmao:

[Freedivr2]

Hey Hogskin, thanks for sharing that (LMAO)!!!

So are you and the massuse datin now http://www.jesseshunting.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smiley-ugly-lol-bashing-sign.gif or what? http://www.jesseshunting.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smiley-faces-toast-beers.gif

[Dave in LB]

Oh man I can't stop laughing and my sides are spliting.

I had a similar situation a few years ago. I purchased a gym membership and it included 6 training sessions and then I bought 12 more. One morning, like at 5:30, I was starting my work out with my female trainer. My system hadn't really turned on yet so no worries. Well we head over to the leg press machine and she loads it up and I start the exercise. totally out of the blue, errrrrrrrrrrp! I almost dropped the weight I was so embarassed and couldn't stop laughing(nothing else to do). She was laughing a bit too and just sloughed it off like," hey it happens." I think Hogskins description of feeling like a tool is apt. Not much is more embarassing than farting in front of cute ladies not your wife.

[campcook50]

Hogskin...you owe me a keyboard cleaning! Coors light everywhere!!
ROFLMAO

With thanks to Jessie and VA Hunter...click...

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/scherry2/Jurrasic_Fart.wmv

[Constitutionalist]

I am at work, surrounded by criminals, and there are tears rolling down my face!

:lol bashing sign:

Thanks for the laugh!!

[Welby]

Oh my gosh, Hogskin, I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

Thanks, I really needed that!

[Brian S]

Definitly had to wipe a few tears after that one, the guys out in the shop must think I've lost it after laughing so hard at my monitor. Paul that certainly beat my mad dash off the treestand story, and the long line of clothes and gear between my tree and the point where my turkey sub made its last stand.
Brian

[BelchFire]

After reading that, I'm not sure I can stand to read another one, Brian S. That was 'all time', too funny!!! ROFLMAO. Too good!

Brina S, where do I go to read yours?

[wvhunter]

:rotflmao:

[Hunter29]

Oh dear lord..my chest hurts from laughing so hard!

[Hook]

Oh man, that is too funny....

[VHRAM]

:rotflmao::rotflmao:

[Welby]

Goodness...I had to come back and read it over again. And it's just as funny to me, maybe even more so, the second and third time around.

Hogfart...uh, I mean, Hogskin, that was a fantastic story. Very well written. That deserves to be printed in a paper somewhere.

[Eric Mayer]

:lol bashing sign: That was damned funny!

Eric A. Mayer

[One Track]

Hogsquirt:

You take the cake! That's funnier than a fart in church. I'm sure she recieved a big tip.

[Dave in LB]

Hell no she didn't he's an accountant. She's lucky she got paid! JK Hogskin.

[PHOnos]

Now, that story should be given some kind of award.

LMAO :rotflmao:

[ratthevol]

That will teach you, did I mention that I put farting curse on the hotlinks; its good to see that my voodo classes are paying off.

[Cloak N Dagger]

I Know, I know ... this thread is almost a year old, but I had to bring it back to the top for the new members that missed it the first time.

It's a JHO Classic! :JHO rocks:

Hey Hogskin, it's TAX Time Again! :rotflmao:

[bighorn67]

Two words....................................pork barbeque

That was a funny post. I have been in similar situations in front of my middle school class before. I let it out quiet, but the front row of middle school fart detectors usually pick it up quickly. I swear those kids could smell a rat fart in a popouri shop.

What can you do?

[YH88]

:rotflmao: :JHO rocks:

[lxtrail]

Hogskin, thats FAH I LMAO, i had a similar emarrasing moment while getting a massage. I got in a rear end wreak and had to go to a massuse once a week for rehab, well my regular ladie wsa out so they had a hot little thing do my hour session, well i got a little turned on and was at full glory when she tells me to turn over so she can do my chest, http://www.jesseshunting.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/afraid_face.gif i thought i was going to die, there was a enough room under that tent for a boy scout troop, she just said must of been a good massage. I could never look her in the eye again when i went there.


I feel your pain

[YH88]

^ LMAO!!!!!! We need a thread for everyones embarssing stories! http://www.jesseshunting.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smiley-rock.gif

[llong]

All Hail mighty Hogskin!!!

I've heard of clearing a room and have even done so myself but your story is tops. Now I have something to shoot for!

Thanks for the laughs.
Louie

[deerhunter1]

I dang near peed on myself then. Wow how embarassing. But very funny thanks for the laugh :rotflmao:

[airgun hunter]

ROFL LOL thanks for bringing that thread up from the the dead gaaah I almost died from laughter

[blazintowers]

That is too damn funny..."Had it in a headlock for a good 60 seconds".....That just cracks me up....Where does he come up with this stuff? Haven't heard from Hogskin in a good long while, is he still around? :rotflmao:

[BelchFire]

It's tax time, I suspect he's busy. If he's still around, I'll bet he's still holdin' his breath! http://www.jesseshunting.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/afraid_face.gif

[Buck-eye]

Hogskin,

That was one of the funniest posts I have ever read. I literally laughed for about a half hour. You are now part of Patton family lore. I shared it with all my kin folk.

[HOGHUNTER714]

Oh man....That was funny. I cant stop laughing....

[dglover]

That was freakin hilarious! I don't know why but good fart stor is always a gas.:rotflmao:

[fknipfer1]

IMHO a lot of things are funny in this world and can be laughed at with no reservations. But bowel movements and not one of them. There must be something you can joke about other than those. If you don't think so move your toilet to the front yard and you can have a ball. Sorry if I am to harsh on this subject but to me its not funny at all.

fknipfer

[horsecranium]

Great story! :lol bashing sign:


Two words....................................pork barbeque

That was a funny post. I have been in similar situations in front of my middle school class before. I let it out quiet, but the front row of middle school fart detectors usually pick it up quickly. I swear those kids could smell a rat fart in a popouri shop.

What can you do?

This was funny too! :lol bashing sign:

[dglover]

IMHO a lot of things are funny in this world and can be laughed at with no reservations. But bowel movements and not one of them. There must be something you can joke about other than those. If you don't think so move your toilet to the front yard and you can have a ball. Sorry if I am to harsh on this subject but to me its not funny at all.

fknipfer
Lighten up a little. My wife doesn't think it is funny either but she still pulls up a stump at Deer camp and lives to tell about it. Either way her rather strong opinion has never changed the way any of the males in our family feel about it. Maybe you just want to pick a fight I don't know but this story is funny!

Your toilet comment reminds me of an episode of Jack$$$ the movie where he blows up a toilet in the hardware store. I laughed at that to.

[MThomas88]

I have never laughed so hard! Ive been there! Droppin some wader waste and not havin anyone to blame it on! At least at the house, youve got the dog or the kids! But by God, that was funny stuff!

[sean english]

Funny as hell. I have had moments like that aplenty.

[BobbyZ]

Epic my friend. Your a legend.

[sean english]

I just had to come back and read this hall of famer again.Tears coming out of eyes. Again. Got to read this to wife.

[Atwater]

Thanks for dragging this one out, sean! I laughed just as hard this time as the first time I read it. Great writing IMHO, and funny as hell. Thank you Hogskin, your whit is missed.

[jhart911er]

Not to stir up an old thread, but as a new member who is in his first 15 minutes of navigating the forum, I find this and piss myself with tears in my eyes THANK YOU this was off the hook funny....If you havn't read it please do, If u have, read it again..... you know why.....:mooning::rotflmao:

[KTKT70]

rotflmao!!!!! that was too funny. i know its old but was for sure best read post... nice story hogskin